Everyone wants the killer app that makes them happier, more productive, and fulfilled.
I have the answer, but it’s not an app. It’s an aptitude.
Learn how to be a front runner. Hop on band wagons. Back the winners.
Look at me: I’ve been a die-hard fan of the Kansas City Royals (those small-market darlings who, after almost three decades of losing, are rolling into the World Series like a Genghis Khan traveling squad) for all of 15 days, and I’m loving every minute of it! I couldn’t name 90% of the guys on their team, but who cares? Not this guy!
Now, some of you who know me might be saying, hey, I thought you were a Yankees fan (or Pirates fan, if you’ve read this). And the answer is yes, but…
Yes, I am… but I have a limited amount of time to watch anything, let alone an entire sporting event, so I’ve learned to adapt. I’m the Zelig of sports. My jerseys change. My hats flip. My teams shift with the standings.
And I’ve never felt better.
There are some purists to whom this is anathema, but in my defense I offer two bits of information:
First, I grew up in NYC. There’s two of every team. (Shit, we have three hockey teams if you count the Devils.) I’m all for staying true, but why waste your time with a bad team when a better one is only a few channels away? You wouldn’t watch Kimmel out of spite when you know Fallon has a better guest — why should sports be different?
Second, I’m a Jets fan. I repeat, a Jets fan. If I didn’t become a front runner, practically every NFL season would be over for me by week 5. (And I’m being generous with that week 5 cut-off.)
As a result, I believe in monogamy when it comes to marriages and swans — but not sports.
That being said, here are my 5 observations of what it takes to be a front runner.
Time is Everything: If you have a spare 3 hours to flush down the toilet watching a bad team play, go for it. I don’t. I have to optimize my sports viewing. If you find yourself saying “I can’t believe I wasted another season watching those idiots,” front running is probably for you.
Forget the Haters: I love the fan-police who say, “You weren’t there when we stunk.” You’re right, I was out having a blast hopping on whichever-good-team-was-winning-that-year’s bandwagon. The fact that I didn’t wade through upteen decades of crappy seasons doesn’t make me any less happy when my (new, admittedly temporary, and purely transactional) team wins. If your front running reduces a die-hard-fan’s happiness, that’s on them.
Do a Little Work: It helps to have some connection to your new team, even if it’s just to give a false-flag story to a real fan. Maybe they traded for a player you liked from another team. Or they have the same mascot as your high school. Or they were the team your ex-girlfriend’s father absolutely loathed. Pick something. Anything. You can do that much, can’t you?
Oh, it also helps to make sure your team will be on national TV a lot. Like, practically-every-week a lot. Otherwise, it kinda defeats the purpose.
Have Some Self Respect: Just because you’re a frontrunner, doesn’t mean you’re not human. Believe it or not, there are teams I will not root for — coughRedSoxcoughPatriotscough. Why? Because they’re the despised rivals of the teams I really (honestly) do keep dear to my heart if not always on my TV. Make your own list and stick to it.
You’re at Home Anywhere: I was a Sonics fan… a Jazz fan… a Saints fan… a Cowboys fan… a Cubs fan… heck, even an Expos fan. You name a franchise, I probably was a fan for a stretch of time. Some of those teams won it all, some came up short. But I can travel to almost any city and strike up a conversation about that season with those fans, and we’re all cool and the gang for a couple of rounds. (This really isn’t a rule, just a benefit of being a fair-weather fan.)
Now if you excuse me, I have to figure out who my favorite NCAA football team is this week. (Hello, Mississippi State.)
